Musing about the systemic impact of things.

Press Conference with Sean Spicier Heats Up*

“Zero Americans have been killed in a terrorist attack by anyone in the countries listed in the president's Executive Order.  We wanted to get that number down.  It’s a shame that this so-called judge would be so reckless as to go against an order intended to keep America safe.” said press secretary, Sean Spicier, answering a question posed by a CNN reporter. 

“What about the criticism the president received over the ban of Muslims entering the country?” she asked.

“This wasn’t a Muslim ban.  Enough with the fake news!  If you listen to FOX’s interview with Rudy Giuliani, you’ll hear quite clearly that the president instructed him to figure out how to ban Muslims legally, and through the efforts of a crack team he assembled, they were able to spin it as an order protecting the American people from danger.  So this wasn’t a Muslim ban, as the president promised when he was campaigning.  This was about danger,” said Spicier.

“But the order specifically called for an exemption for people of a minority religion,” said the reporter.

“Exactly,” he replied.

“From countries where the majority religion is Muslim,” she added.

“Next question,” he said, pointing at a reporter from the Los Angeles Times.

“Why were countries with high incidents of terrorism exempted from the ban….Excuse me, I mean, order, such as Saudi Arabia?  We know the president’s been critical of them in the past,” he asked.

“Saudi Arabia is a different country than it was on 9/11.  The President registered eight companies during his presidential campaign in that country.  Go see for yourself.  They were registered under names such as THC Jeddah Hotel and DT Jeddah Technical Services,” said Spicier. 

“What about Egypt?  Almost 1,000 people were killed by terrorist attacks in 2015 alone. ”

“Again, not the same thing, because the president owns businesses there.  He’s not about to ban people from countries that could negatively impact on his own businesses,” he said, chuckling over the reporter’s ignorance.

“But how can the American public take him seriously if he’s only targeting countries where he has no business?  Isn’t the president’s conflict of interest, obvious?” asked the reporter.

“As the president, he doesn't believe he should be held to the same standards as other elected officials.  The president isn't responsible for any conflicts of interest.  Besides, the businesses are being run by his two sons,” he said, shaking his head. He shuffled some papers around before turning his attention to a reporter with the New York Post.

 “Mr. Spicier, a lot of Americans seemed to believe that those who were coming to this country went through no vetting process whatsoever.  Can you explain this?”

“Well they were practically right.  I mean come on, who are we kidding?  The normal vetting process for refugees took only 18 to 24 months under Obama.  Thousands of people tried to get back into the country after living here for years.  They carried green cards and visas.  People were traveling here for life-saving surgeries, including children,” said Spicier.  “This is unacceptable.”

“But aren’t you saying that they, in fact, were vetted?”

“Next question.  In fact, next TOPIC!” shouted Spicier, pointing to a woman from the New York Times.

“Mr. Spicier, the chances of an American being killed in a terrorist attack by a refugee are about one in 3.64 billion per year, yet every day in the United States, three or more women are murdered by their boyfriends or husbands, according to the American Psychological Association.  Under this administration, it appears there will be cuts to Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) grants.  How does the President square banning people from entering the country from targeted areas where no Americans have been killed by terrorism and then cutting grant programs that help American people who are being harmed or killed every day?”

“Well, first of all, it’s not people, it’s mostly just women, and what the president is doing is right in line with Russia’s plans to decriminalize domestic violence. It’s called family values.  Next question,” he said, pointing to a reporter from FOX news.

“It appears that Congress wants to roll back an Obama Administration order that would prevent people with known mental issues from obtaining a firearm, even when the president himself opposed this.  Can you remind Americans about why they should feel good about this?” he asked, looking down on the other reporters seated around him.

“This clearly goes against the constitutional rights of our citizens to bear arms.  Liberal snowflakes have been fighting for years to give more rights to the mentally disabled in this country, and the moment republicans try to secure these rights, we get backlash,” replied Spicier, raising his arms in disgust at the obvious hypocrisy.  

“Look.  The American people don’t want to be killed by illegals and terrorists.  If they or their loved ones are going to be murdered, the least we can do is give them the comfort and reassurance of knowing that it will be done by a fellow American, and preferably someone they love.  Jane from The Wall Street Journal,” he said, pointing at Jane from CNN.

Mr. Spicier, the chances of winning the Powerball lottery are one in 175 million.  Heck, the chances you could be struck by lightening twice is one in 9 mill…”

Mr. Spicier interrupted her to quote Kellyann Consway. “If you’re going to be negative, we are really going to have to rethink our relationship.”

After the press conference, a local mental patient wearing a red baseball cap with the president's signature slogan shared his enthusiasm.  “I’m excited to know that my 2nd Amendment rights are protected under this president.”

"So am I," he then went on to say in a deeper tone, as if coming from someone else. “For 8 years I and the others worried Obama would come for our guns.  Instead, he did nothing for race relations.”

According to reports, Richard Rosenthal, who was sentenced to life without parole in 1995 for killing his wife after she burnt some ziti, was more hopeful than ever that a presidential pardon was in in future.

None of the president's wives were permitted to comment.

*Nothing in this post was true, but it's exactly how things are.

 

 


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